OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgård
The Basics: Capt. Jack Sparrow is back to get himself out of a blood debt he owes to Davy Jones, one he has to pay for with his soul. Then there's the romance between Bloom and Knightley, which is just … you know … whatever. You don't really care. You just want more sword-fighting and skeletons and Nighy as Jones with his beard of tentacles.
What's the Deal? The first one was kind of boring, honestly. Depp and the cool army of skeletons kept it from feeling like a chore, but beyond that, it just felt empty and looooong. So they really stepped up their game for this one. It's still empty, but it moves faster from one cool action sequence to the next; the go-nowhere romance plot line is on the back burner, replaced by sea monsters and murderous islanders and an insane swordfight on a runaway mill wheel. Did I mention the beard of tentacles?
How Long, oh Lord? Again with the two-and-a-half-hour movie, just like Superman Returns. The good news is that, unlike the first one, you won't feel it. Totally passes the butt-shifting-in-seat test.
Give the Production Designer a Raise: Rich Heinrichs is the guy responsible for how awesome it all looks. He's the guy who did Sleepy Hollow and got an Oscar for it.
Countdown to Keith Richards: He's supposed to be playing Depp's father in the next one. You have to wait about a year for it. Meanwhile, on an unrelated note, how pissed off is Eddie Murphy that his Disneyland ride–turned–movie tanked while this one is almost Lord of the Rings big? I was just wondering about that is all.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Open Season(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Martin Lawrence, Ashton Kutcher, Gary Sinise, Debra Messing, Jon Favreau, Billy Connolly, Jane Krakowski
The Basics: Wow. An animated talking-animal movie. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those. I wish Hollywood would make one of these every other week instead of being stingy and doling them out every few years like this.
What's the Deal? The truth is that this one is not so bad; I just wanted my pain acknowledged in public. And it's been a year of pain — 73 talking-animal movies and one talking-car movie and one talking-baseball movie, and I'm about done. But yeah, this one is not the worst of them. It saves itself with sweetness and a script that avoids the usual onslaught of pop-culture references and "hip" sarcasm and all the other crap that plagues this overdone genre.
What It's About: I know I should have written this part in "The Basics," but complaints had to come first. It's about animals that take back the forest from hunters, and it taught me a valuable lesson about Lawrence and Kutcher. That lesson is that I can deal with them when I don't have to look at them. I feel kind of liberated now. Bring on the animation featuring Tom Cruise!
Arrive Late: That way you can skip the opening bit in which Lawrence, as the bear, dances to a Talking Heads song and freaks you out and makes you think it's going to be like this for the entire film. But it's mostly OK after that. No Smash Mouth songs waiting patiently to ruin your day. In fact, former lead guy of The Replacements Paul Westerberg has written a nice little song score that doesn't clobber you over the head.
Who's in It: The voices of Martin Lawrence, Ashton Kutcher, Gary Sinise, Debra Messing, Jon Favreau, Billy Connolly, Jane Krakowski
The Basics: Wow. An animated talking-animal movie. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those. I wish Hollywood would make one of these every other week instead of being stingy and doling them out every few years like this.
What's the Deal? The truth is that this one is not so bad; I just wanted my pain acknowledged in public. And it's been a year of pain — 73 talking-animal movies and one talking-car movie and one talking-baseball movie, and I'm about done. But yeah, this one is not the worst of them. It saves itself with sweetness and a script that avoids the usual onslaught of pop-culture references and "hip" sarcasm and all the other crap that plagues this overdone genre.
What It's About: I know I should have written this part in "The Basics," but complaints had to come first. It's about animals that take back the forest from hunters, and it taught me a valuable lesson about Lawrence and Kutcher. That lesson is that I can deal with them when I don't have to look at them. I feel kind of liberated now. Bring on the animation featuring Tom Cruise!
Arrive Late: That way you can skip the opening bit in which Lawrence, as the bear, dances to a Talking Heads song and freaks you out and makes you think it's going to be like this for the entire film. But it's mostly OK after that. No Smash Mouth songs waiting patiently to ruin your day. In fact, former lead guy of The Replacements Paul Westerberg has written a nice little song score that doesn't clobber you over the head.
Old Joy(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Daniel London, Will Oldham
The Basics: Two estranged buddies go on an overnight camping trip and realize they've lost each other for good. There's very little plot; they drive and pretty scenery happens, dread-filled Air America squawks out of the radio, they stop for gas, they go to a hot spring and soak in a tub, smoke some pot and feel sad about letting each other go.
What's the Deal? Movies that trade A-B-C plot for mood are an opportunity for you to test how well you see and listen. Here it's about gestures and glances and shots of garbage strewn in a forest and hopeless talk radio pleading in the background — a lot of specific stuff adds up to a universal melancholy. It's about the saddest, and most beautiful, American movie of the year.
Shut Up, You: I'm already hearing from the haters on this one, people talking nonsense about how movies "about nothing" are boring and pretentious and how only film critics trying to appear cool end up liking them. And to them, I say this: Just because you're an unsophisticated film-watcher, don't come crying to me about it, Jerko. That's right, I said unsophisticated. Go Netflix some Ozu movies.
How It's Like Brokeback Mountain: They get naked together in the woods and one of them gives the other an impromptu and unrequested neck and shoulder massage. But that's as far as it goes. After a second you realize that nothing gay is going to happen; it's just a hippie thing, and one guy's attempt to reach out to the other one.
Who's the Guy With the Beard? Will Oldham, playing the stoner, is the indie-rock fixture who calls himself Bonnie Prince Billy and recorded under the Palace name before that. And if you go way back, he was also in John Sayles' Matewan.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Daniel London, Will Oldham
The Basics: Two estranged buddies go on an overnight camping trip and realize they've lost each other for good. There's very little plot; they drive and pretty scenery happens, dread-filled Air America squawks out of the radio, they stop for gas, they go to a hot spring and soak in a tub, smoke some pot and feel sad about letting each other go.
What's the Deal? Movies that trade A-B-C plot for mood are an opportunity for you to test how well you see and listen. Here it's about gestures and glances and shots of garbage strewn in a forest and hopeless talk radio pleading in the background — a lot of specific stuff adds up to a universal melancholy. It's about the saddest, and most beautiful, American movie of the year.
Shut Up, You: I'm already hearing from the haters on this one, people talking nonsense about how movies "about nothing" are boring and pretentious and how only film critics trying to appear cool end up liking them. And to them, I say this: Just because you're an unsophisticated film-watcher, don't come crying to me about it, Jerko. That's right, I said unsophisticated. Go Netflix some Ozu movies.
How It's Like Brokeback Mountain: They get naked together in the woods and one of them gives the other an impromptu and unrequested neck and shoulder massage. But that's as far as it goes. After a second you realize that nothing gay is going to happen; it's just a hippie thing, and one guy's attempt to reach out to the other one.
Who's the Guy With the Beard? Will Oldham, playing the stoner, is the indie-rock fixture who calls himself Bonnie Prince Billy and recorded under the Palace name before that. And if you go way back, he was also in John Sayles' Matewan.
Monster House (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Steve Buscemi, Nick Cannon, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Jason Lee, Catherine O'Hara, Kathleen Turner, Fred Willard
The Basics: The creepy old house in the neighborhood really is haunted and likes to devour anyone who crosses its path. It also sucks stuff into the ground, has a face and isn't shy about making life pretty miserable for a trio of Harry Potter-ish kids.
What's the Deal? Motion-capture animated films are not my favorite thing. I mean, did you see The Polar Express? I don't care how big a hit that one was; it was seriously barfy. Well, the good news is that 2006 is the future, and the technology is much better. It doesn't try for the way humans really look (which always just winds up creepy) and goes for a more cartoony, stylized approach. And it's fun. Loud and frantic, but fun.
Who's in It: The voices of Steve Buscemi, Nick Cannon, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Jason Lee, Catherine O'Hara, Kathleen Turner, Fred Willard
The Basics: The creepy old house in the neighborhood really is haunted and likes to devour anyone who crosses its path. It also sucks stuff into the ground, has a face and isn't shy about making life pretty miserable for a trio of Harry Potter-ish kids.
What's the Deal? Motion-capture animated films are not my favorite thing. I mean, did you see The Polar Express? I don't care how big a hit that one was; it was seriously barfy. Well, the good news is that 2006 is the future, and the technology is much better. It doesn't try for the way humans really look (which always just winds up creepy) and goes for a more cartoony, stylized approach. And it's fun. Loud and frantic, but fun.
Miami Vice(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jamie Foxx, Colin Farrell, Gong Li, Naomie Harris
The Basics: Crockett and Tubbs have not aged one bit since 1985. That's weird! They still chase the bad guys in deep cover, and their personal lives still keep getting mixed up in it, which I think makes them bad at their jobs, right?
What's the Deal? Do not approach this movie like it's some kind of campy "I Heart the '80s" moment. It's stone-faced and serious. Because this is Michael Mann, a director so exacting that Entertainment Weekly just reported that he banned the color red from the film. This guy gives you deliberate character studies and moody art-house techniques in his big-budget Hollywood pictures. He demands that you think he's important. It would be annoying if his movies weren't mostly great.
The Violence Tastes Violence-y-er: I like a good bloodbath as much as the next moviegoer. But what's really powerful here is that the violence is reserved for the moments when it really deserves to be in the movie. And it's delivered with a major punch.
Anybody Out There Seen Shanghai Triad? It's this early '90s movie Gong Li was in, where she played the lone woman who was in with a powerful drug lord. Sort of like here. No spoilers or anything, but the character's fate is similar to here, too.
Amount of Actual Red: None deliberately inserted, it's true. No red clothes on major characters, no red sets, nothing but blood, stop lights, car brakes, T-shirts on extras and one sloppily painted wall they pass by in one scene. Yeah, I was looking for it. But still. There was red. Technically.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jamie Foxx, Colin Farrell, Gong Li, Naomie Harris
The Basics: Crockett and Tubbs have not aged one bit since 1985. That's weird! They still chase the bad guys in deep cover, and their personal lives still keep getting mixed up in it, which I think makes them bad at their jobs, right?
What's the Deal? Do not approach this movie like it's some kind of campy "I Heart the '80s" moment. It's stone-faced and serious. Because this is Michael Mann, a director so exacting that Entertainment Weekly just reported that he banned the color red from the film. This guy gives you deliberate character studies and moody art-house techniques in his big-budget Hollywood pictures. He demands that you think he's important. It would be annoying if his movies weren't mostly great.
The Violence Tastes Violence-y-er: I like a good bloodbath as much as the next moviegoer. But what's really powerful here is that the violence is reserved for the moments when it really deserves to be in the movie. And it's delivered with a major punch.
Anybody Out There Seen Shanghai Triad? It's this early '90s movie Gong Li was in, where she played the lone woman who was in with a powerful drug lord. Sort of like here. No spoilers or anything, but the character's fate is similar to here, too.
Amount of Actual Red: None deliberately inserted, it's true. No red clothes on major characters, no red sets, nothing but blood, stop lights, car brakes, T-shirts on extras and one sloppily painted wall they pass by in one scene. Yeah, I was looking for it. But still. There was red. Technically.
Marie Antoinette(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Judy Davis, Rip Torn, Asia Argento, Marianne Faithfull, Steve Coogan, Rose Byrne, Molly Shannon
The Basics: Young, dumb and full of cake, the real Marie Antoinette, teen queen of France, probably never heard of Siouxsie and the Banshees. But in this movie, she gets to dance to that band while Paris burns and her doom draws near.
What's the Deal? Sofia Coppola's movies are seemingly all about Sofia Coppola's adolescence: the privileged rich girl trapped in a cage by outside forces. This queen is trapped in her castle like Scarlett Johansson was trapped in her hotel room (Lost in Translation) and like the Virgin Suicides girls were trapped in their bedrooms.
Yawn: Also, there are naps. And lying down on beds. And loafing on chaises. And in the grass. And in bathtubs. And then there are parties to break up that monotony. The movie is teenage girlhood, moving from dreamy boredom to excited pop music–scored shopping and parties. And it's brilliantly that.
Be Warned: Nothing happens. It's exactly what I just said it was about. This isn't a historical epic or a grown-up period drama. And it's not even about the French Revolution. It's about a nice, not-too-bright girl who doesn't get it and who gets punished for it all the same by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Blink and You'll Miss: The purple sneakers.
Who's in It: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Judy Davis, Rip Torn, Asia Argento, Marianne Faithfull, Steve Coogan, Rose Byrne, Molly Shannon
The Basics: Young, dumb and full of cake, the real Marie Antoinette, teen queen of France, probably never heard of Siouxsie and the Banshees. But in this movie, she gets to dance to that band while Paris burns and her doom draws near.
What's the Deal? Sofia Coppola's movies are seemingly all about Sofia Coppola's adolescence: the privileged rich girl trapped in a cage by outside forces. This queen is trapped in her castle like Scarlett Johansson was trapped in her hotel room (Lost in Translation) and like the Virgin Suicides girls were trapped in their bedrooms.
Yawn: Also, there are naps. And lying down on beds. And loafing on chaises. And in the grass. And in bathtubs. And then there are parties to break up that monotony. The movie is teenage girlhood, moving from dreamy boredom to excited pop music–scored shopping and parties. And it's brilliantly that.
Be Warned: Nothing happens. It's exactly what I just said it was about. This isn't a historical epic or a grown-up period drama. And it's not even about the French Revolution. It's about a nice, not-too-bright girl who doesn't get it and who gets punished for it all the same by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Blink and You'll Miss: The purple sneakers.
The Marine(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: John Cena, Robert Patrick, Kelly Carlson, Anthony Ray Parker, Abigail Blanca, Jerome Ehlers
The Basics: Discharged Iraq war vet Cena ignores that still-small voice inside that's begging him to jump-start his post-war career in pro wrestling and just-this-side-of-Federline rapping. Instead, he opts for a rent-a-cop gig in a big office building. Then Cena's wife gets herself kidnapped at a gas station by diamond thieves, led by Terminator 2's Patrick. Then that gas station blows up. Everything in this movie blows up.
What's the Deal? When a movie is this stupid and unconcerned with reality, the goal posts get moved. Is it fun anyway? Are there enough brutal killings? Enough car chases? Enough fireballs? Is the block-of-granite star ridiculously indestructible? And the answer here is yes. It sucks and yet it doesn't, you know?
My Three Favorite Parts That Don't Involve John Cena Running Through Gasoline Fires Unscathed or Diving Off High Cliffs and Not Breaking Any Bones:
1. One of Patrick's henchmen says of Cena, "This guy is like the Terminator!" Patrick just glares back at the guy and the camera goes close up on his eyes.
2. Patrick is talking on his cell phone to another crime accomplice, telling the unseen man on the other end that he's not going to get his cut of the big diamond heist. Then Patrick gets another call and says, "Can you hold on a minute?"
3. One of Patrick's other henchmen recounts how he was molested at summer camp as a teenager. And it's played for laughs. I guess the director just decided a moment of levity was needed amid all the death.
What It's Really About: The Iraq war may be a total fiasco that we're losing. But we're kicking the bad guys' butts. Yeah!
Who's in It: John Cena, Robert Patrick, Kelly Carlson, Anthony Ray Parker, Abigail Blanca, Jerome Ehlers
The Basics: Discharged Iraq war vet Cena ignores that still-small voice inside that's begging him to jump-start his post-war career in pro wrestling and just-this-side-of-Federline rapping. Instead, he opts for a rent-a-cop gig in a big office building. Then Cena's wife gets herself kidnapped at a gas station by diamond thieves, led by Terminator 2's Patrick. Then that gas station blows up. Everything in this movie blows up.
What's the Deal? When a movie is this stupid and unconcerned with reality, the goal posts get moved. Is it fun anyway? Are there enough brutal killings? Enough car chases? Enough fireballs? Is the block-of-granite star ridiculously indestructible? And the answer here is yes. It sucks and yet it doesn't, you know?
My Three Favorite Parts That Don't Involve John Cena Running Through Gasoline Fires Unscathed or Diving Off High Cliffs and Not Breaking Any Bones:
1. One of Patrick's henchmen says of Cena, "This guy is like the Terminator!" Patrick just glares back at the guy and the camera goes close up on his eyes.
2. Patrick is talking on his cell phone to another crime accomplice, telling the unseen man on the other end that he's not going to get his cut of the big diamond heist. Then Patrick gets another call and says, "Can you hold on a minute?"
3. One of Patrick's other henchmen recounts how he was molested at summer camp as a teenager. And it's played for laughs. I guess the director just decided a moment of levity was needed amid all the death.
What It's Really About: The Iraq war may be a total fiasco that we're losing. But we're kicking the bad guys' butts. Yeah!
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